Is It Possible for Couples to Have “Healthy Fights”?

When you look at the title of this piece, you might do a double-take. Healthy couples and fighting? How could those things go hand-in-hand? 

We have a negative stereotype when it comes to arguing in relationships. Many people think arguments have created a rift between you and your partner. Others see fights as a sign that a relationship is struggling. In some cases, that’s true.

But, the couples with the healthiest relationships in the world still fight. Yes, you read that correctly. So, what’s the difference? They know how to fight the right way. Yes, you read that correctly, too. 

Let’s take a closer look at how often couples fight in a healthy relationship, as well as some of the best practices for arguing that can actually strengthen your relationship rather than tear it down. 

How Often Should You Be Fighting?

Some healthy couples argue every day. Others might fight once a week or even once a month when something comes up they disagree on. There’s no ideal number or time to fight with your partner. It’s not something you should pencil into your schedule. 

The point is that it is okay to argue with some frequency.

One of the biggest mistakes some couples make is pushing down their thoughts, feelings, or opinions in order to avoid a fight. That might work for a while, but emotions will always demand to be felt. When you brush things under the rug, they’re bound to come up later. Unfortunately, you’ve had time to think about them and let them become stronger, so your argument is likely to be more driven by those emotions. 

You might disagree about something with your partner every day. While you shouldn’t necessarily sweat the small stuff, you also shouldn’t hide your true feelings for fear of starting an argument. 

The most important thing to remember is that there isn’t a “normal” when it comes to how often you should be fighting. You’ll find what works for you as long as you’re showing vulnerability and expressing yourselves. 

How Can You Fight the “Right” Way?

Instead of focusing on how often you should or shouldn’t be fighting, put your efforts into arguments that can strengthen your bond as a couple.

Start by staying on the topic at hand. Don’t bring up past arguments or things that hurt you before. If you’re still holding onto those things, bring them up at a later time. When you’re arguing about a specific topic, focus on that and work through it together. 

Try to avoid blaming your partner for everything. Instead, use “I” statements to let them know how you feel. If you make multiple accusations, they’re more likely to become defensive, and the argument will escalate. 

Finally, don’t hesitate to take some time for yourself if you need to cool down. That doesn’t mean avoiding the argument completely. But if you need a few minutes (or even a few hours) to make sure you won’t say something you don’t really mean, that’s okay. Let your partner know that it’s important to you to work through the disagreement the right way. Ask them for some time to gather your thoughts.

Remember, you and your partner are on the same team. Even when you don’t agree on certain things, or even when you’re upset with them, they are your teammate. When you view them that way, you’re less likely to get into arguments that cut down your relationship — and each other. 

So, don’t spend so much time focusing on how much you argue. Instead, focus on how you fight and how you can do it in a way that improves your relationship.