What is emotional infidelity?

When most people think of infidelity, a physical action comes to mind. We’ve all seen depictions of “cheating” in movies, television shows, and beyond. But emotional infidelity doesn’t often get as much attention. Unfortunately, it’s just as damaging and can often leave long-lasting scars. Emotional infidelity refers to a long-term closeness with someone other than your partner that results in a reduction of investment and intimacy in the primary relationship. It usually involves emotional intimacy and a sort of “secrecy” that keeps the relationship from your partner. 

Let’s take a look at some of the common signs of emotional infidelity. Recognizing the red flags can make it easier to spot them in your relationship. 

What Does Emotional Infidelity Look Like?

Emotional infidelity might not involve physical touch, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t clear signs you can look for in your relationship. Some of the more obvious signs include your partner hiding texts, emails, and phone conversations from you, wanting less physical interaction with you, and acting “detached” from the relationship. 

They might also tell the outside person things they don’t tell you, or they can be more irritable and tense around you after they spend time with that person.

If your partner invests more time in the outside “relationship” than your own, it’s okay to consider that a major problem. You might know the person they’re interacting with, or you might not. Either way, understanding the wedge they’re driving in your relationship is important. Keep in mind, though, that it’s not entirely that person’s fault. If your partner is seeking out comfort and emotional support for someone else, they are the ones with some kind of unfulfilled need that they won’t allow you to meet.

Is Emotional Infidelity Intentional?

The big difference between emotional and physical infidelity is that your partner might not realize what they’re doing when it comes to connecting with someone on an emotional level. Physical cheating is fairly black and white. Emotional cheating is often grayer and harder to define—especially when you’re the person doing it.

Sometimes emotional infidelity is intentional. If your partner is specifically seeking someone else to open up to and share their feelings with while leaving you out of the picture, it’s a sign that they value that “secret” relationship more than yours. However, if your partner is feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or struggling with their mental health and confides in a friend, co-worker, or even someone online, they might not realize the impact of what they’re doing. 

What Can You Do?

Much like physical cheating, emotional infidelity hurts. It can be crushing to know that your partner shares such intimate feelings and emotions with someone else, but they won’t open up to you. If you’ve noticed any of the issues listed above or your relationship feels disconnected somehow, it’s your choice to decide on the next step.

Other times, if your partner is willing to open up about it, things can be salvaged. In those cases, emotional infidelity must stop immediately, and your partner must agree to that. The next step is to get to the root cause of your relationship (and/or personal issues) and setting appropriate boundaries for the future.

Finally, consider talking to a therapist or couples counselor who can help you work through the aftermath of emotional cheating while also assisting you in strengthening your relationship and establishing a healthy future. If you’re both willing to make things work, emotional infidelity doesn’t have to destroy your relationship. If you’d like support working through these types of issues, please contact us about couples therapy.