Learning from Past Relationships For a Healthier Future

If you’ve had a few “failed” relationships in your past, it’s easy to feel down about yourself or your future love life. You might wonder what you did wrong, what you could have done better, or how things could have gone differently. It’s not uncommon for people to think they’ve wasted time when a relationship ends. However, no relationship is a waste of time. Every single one of them can teach you something if you’re willing to reflect.

When you look back on the people you’ve dated—whether you’ve only gone out with them casually or you were in a long-term relationship—think about what you learned from them. Maybe you ended up learning more about yourself, or the kind of partner you needed. 

Let’s take a closer look at how you can learn from your past relationships for a healthier future with the right person. 

What Kind of Partner Do You Want?

One of the most important things you can learn from past relationships is the kind of person you really want to be with—and who you don’t. Maybe you were in a great relationship with someone for a long time, but things didn’t work out for some reason. That doesn’t necessarily mean that person wasn’t good for you.

Consider the things that matter most to you in a partner. Do you want someone supportive, loyal, and trustworthy? Maybe a strong sense of humor is important, or even someone who has their life on the same track as yours. It’s okay to be a little bit picky. Many people don’t want to say they have a “type,” but almost everyone does—and it goes well beyond physical appearances.

Who Are You?

When you’re in a relationship for a long time, it’s easy to lose your identity. You become so wrapped up in being a unit with your partner that you might forget about who you really are, what you love, and what you value. You can look at past relationships to see if you lost pieces of yourself along the way and why. When you take the time to come to those realizations, you can strengthen your convictions as you enter a new relationship. You don’t have to conform to anyone just to get them to like you. While change can be a good thing, and it’s always a good rule of thumb to be open to the opinions of others, that doesn’t mean you need to compromise who you are to fit in with a partner.

Setting Boundaries

Think about why your past relationships didn’t end up working out. Is there a pattern somewhere? For many people, relationships fail because of boundaries—or a lack thereof. People have different attachment styles and love languages. Maybe you need your alone time and don’t like to be touched frequently. Maybe you thrive on attention and words of affirmation. Understanding your own is essential to finding a successful, fulfilling relationship.

Whatever the case, it’s important to establish boundaries and focus on your needs in a relationship early on. That doesn’t mean you need to sit down with a potential partner and talk about the future right away. However, the more open and honest you are about your needs, the smoother things will go from the start. Plus, you’ll establish a relationship based on communication—another key ingredient of success. 

Don’t think of your past relationships as mistakes or failures. Instead, look at them as learning opportunities to help you establish a healthier, happier future with someone new. By using the knowledge gained from past relationships, you can “start over,” knowing exactly what you need, want, and deserve.