Looking within: How to know what you want in a relationship

When looking for a relationship, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea of butterflies and romantic gestures. We all want the Hallmark movie romance, but deep down, we know it’s unrealistic. It’s also unrealistic to rely only on those butterflies and euphoric feelings when deciding to pursue a relationsip. It can be fun to date that person. But, if those feelings aren’t rooted in something deeper, things will likely not last.

So, before you jump into the dating pool, it’s important to ask yourself what you really want in a relationship. Of course, that can often feel easier said than done. With that in mind, let’s dig a little deeper into how you can look within to determine what you really want in a relationship. That way you’ll feel more confident and connected before you go on your next date.

Define Your Values

If you really want to determine what you want in a relationship, you must first decide what’s most important to you. We all have core values. Yours might be rooted in religion, a basic moral compass, or life philosophy. Everyone has specific beliefs about things. While you might be flexible on some subjects, you shouldn’t have to compromise your core values to be with someone. Defining your core values will make finding a partner that matches or complements them easier. There are lots of values exercises that you can find from a quick internet search.

Understand Your Identity

Far too often people get into relationships and lose their sense of self. There’s a reason so many people getting out of long marriages have difficulty recognizing who they are on their own. Having a strong sense of self before you get into a relationship will not only make you more comfortable with a new partner, but will prevent you from feeling like you need to play a role instead of just be yourself.

It’s okay to put your best foot forward when dating someone new. However, you shouldn’t give up your identity or try to mimic theirs so you can fit in or seem more attractive. Stand firm in who you are, what you enjoy, and accept your personality. When you’re true to yourself from day one, you’re more likely to have a genuine, open, honest relationship.

Look at the Past

It’s not always easy to think about past relationships—especially ones that didn’t end well. However, you can learn a lot from your past and the relationships that didn’t work out. While it can be tempting to play the blame game and only focus on the negative things your exes did, really consider why those relationships didn’t work out. What could you have done differently? What do you want from a new partner? When you go into a new relationship with clear goals in mind, and a willingness to learn and grow from previous partners, you’re less likely to have to deal with any confusion.

Every relationship is different. There’s no “perfect” person out there meant to check off every box you could possibly come up with. However, things are more likely to work out when you start dating someone or get into a relationship knowing who you are and what you want. You’ll build greater intimacy. You’ll create a foundation of honesty. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll know almost immediately whether that person is interested in who you really are rather than some act you’re trying to put on.

Before entering a new relationship, take time to look within. Become in tune with your feelings, thoughts, and desires, and carry those with you as you start dating again. If you need help rediscovering yourself, contact our office today for an appointment.