What does healthy conflict look like in a relationship?
Conflict isn’t typically viewed as a positive thing. Some people try to avoid it completely. Others get extremely defensive when faced with it. While conflict in relationships can lead to arguments and frustration, it doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. In fact, some couples who argue frequently have the strongest relationships. Why? Because they know how to argue effectively and handle conflicts in productive, healthy ways. Healthy conflict isn’t a contradiction. Rather, it’s a way to work through difficult situations and different opinions that can strengthen your relationship rather than harm it.
Not sure what healthy conflict in a relationship looks like? Let’s cover the basics.
Be Respectful and Gentle
The most important aspect of healthy conflict is the respect each partner gives to the other. When you come from a place of respect, you’re less likely to say things you’ll later regret. You’ll remember that you and your partner are on the same team, even if you have different views.
Being respectful also means being an active listener. Sometimes, conflict causes people to shout over each other or demand that their words be heard first. Listening is extremely important when it comes to arguing. Everyone deserves to be heard. Listening can help you see your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.
When it’s time for you to speak, be gentle. Healthy conflict doesn’t require you to walk on eggshells with your words, but it does mean you should be gentle in your tone. Try to avoid accusatory language or a tone or volume that might make your partner feel threatened. You’ll never reach a compromise or end the conflict in a healthy way if both of you are yelling.
Stay in the Present
Far too often, when couples argue, they bring up past hurts. If you’re arguing about your finances today, there’s no reason to bring up something negative your partner did six months ago. That shows them that you’ve never truly forgiven them for that incident and that you’ve been holding onto it. It’s also unfair to them, yourself, and the present argument. You’ll never be able to resolve your current issues if you keep bringing up the past. Stay focused on one thing at a time and commit yourself to work on the present problem rather than reaching for more drama from the past.
Use “I” Statements
No one wants to carry the entire weight of a disagreement on their shoulders. However, when you use “you” statements during a conflict, that’s exactly how you can make your partner feel. Saying things like “you always do this” can make your partner feel attacked and guilty, even if they haven’t done what you’re accusing them of. That often causes people to become defensive and will escalate the problem even more. Instead, focus on using “I” statements. Let your partner know how you feel and how your difference of opinion is affecting you.
Agree to Disagree
Finally, don’t get stuck on the idea that there has to be a “winner” to every argument. That can cause you and your partner to disagree and argue until you’re both so exhausted that you can hardly remember the initial conflict. Sometimes, there is a clear solution to every conflict. Other times, things aren’t so black and white. In those cases, it’s okay to agree to disagree. Once you’ve talked things through, if you can’t come up with a compromise, let it go. You’ll both feel better having heard the other argument, and you won’t have to bring up the conflict again.
If you’re willing to prioritize communication, respect, and resolution, there’s no reason you can’t experience healthy conflict in your relationship. Use these tips to help improve your disagreements and strengthen your bond with your partner.
If you and your partner could use some support to improve your conflict resolution, contact us today to learn more about working with a couples therapist at Forward Together Counseling.